Dear Coach: Notes for Wes Unseld Jr. from a Washington Wizards fan

Dear Wes Unseld Jr:

I am writing to you today because you have been named the new head coach of the Washington Wizards after a thorough coaching search that left no stone unturned. Congratulations. This is an exciting and well-deserved opportunity for you, not only because you get to coach two superstars in Russell Westbrook and Bradley Beal, but because this fan base is so jaded and broken that you will not have to do much to make us like you more than the last guy.

That being said, I have some notes for you. Yes, you are far more qualified than I am. Yes, your father’s number hangs in the rafters. Yes, you have spent much more time around the game than I ever will. Yes, you will read most of these and undoubtedly roll your eyes.

You do not even have to read them if you do not want to—but I have watched a lot of Wizards basketball. Some might say too much Wizards basketball. My daughter won’t be born until the start of next season, and she is already sick of it.

What I am trying to say is, I have seen some things.

So as you take your first steps as the new head coach of the Washington Wizards, feel free to consider the following suggestions. I only ask that you cite your sources in the post-game interviews. If you want to refer to me as Assistant to the Coach Caleb Sarvis, I will take that as well.